by Keith Miller | Christian Living, Weekly Devotional
My family calls me “the Drama Queen.” My life seems to be filled with monster problems—and I do tend to spew these unsolvable resentments, fears, and dramatic (potential) tragedies my life seems filled with. Can you talk about how Christians can get over this “awfulizing”?
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.”James 5:16THE MESSAGE
I have always felt like I have an assignment to fight the raging fire-breathing dragons of life wherever I am—at home and school, in marriage and business.Imust be the one to fight other people’s dragons as well because I’ve had so many dragons to fight in my own life.
When I became a Christian I was told that it was God’s job to kill the dragons. I was to submit my whole life to him and learn how to listen to him, love his people and do his will. I might be able to help people face the deep problems of their lives, but only God could actually give each person the courage to face his or her own problems. I was to confessmy ownsins as soon as I could after I saw them, and tend to my own dragons before I could be effective in reaching out to others.
And that would work for a while, but then apparently out of nowhere my life would be filled with the raging dragons of over-commitment, defensive pride, angry blaming, unkept promises to do or be something, and isolation and loneliness.
I have a dear Christian friend who used to be as frantic and compulsive as I. But now she looks peaceful and serene—even though she still lives a busy life and helps many others. Finally I asked her, “As busy as you are, how do you manage to be so serene and peaceful? You used to tell me your inner life felt like it was filled with people-eating dragons.”
“Well, one day I’d had enough of the chaotic overload, and,” she looked very thoughtful and then said simply, “I just quit feeding the lizards.”
“What do you mean; you just quit feeding the lizards?”
“Well, all I know is that one day I saw something shocking: when I was moaning and recounting the small resentments, criticisms, and gossip—these small “lizards” always developed into the raging dragons that were “killing” me. But one day I shared my dragons, confessed them to my small group of Christian friends. And that confessional sharing made it embarrassing for me to continue nursing and dwelling on the small irritations of over commitment, jealousy and resentment in my life. And after a few months of not feeding those small lizards, there simply weren’t any large size dragons left to battle. And when a new batch of lizards crops up I just try to starve them by not giving them any air time at home, and by sharing them with spiritual friends.”
“What a concept!” I said.I was floored. “Do you mean that if I don’t want full-grown monster dragons to battle, I can begin to deal with the small “lizard” problems that grow up to become life’s monster dragons?”
She smiled with a twinkle in her eye, and said, “That’s the way it works for me!”
Thank you, Lord that we can confess, make amends, talk about problems with a trusted friend sooner, and not feed the small lizards that can become the terrifying dragons that devour lives of loving. Amen.
by Keith Miller | Christian Living, Weekly Devotional
What can a Christian do when his spouse confronts him with the fact that he is so busy that: “You never have time for us any more. Sometimes I feel like a single parent.” Are there any effective ways you’ve found to remind yourself to stop and smell the flowers with your family?
Recently, after I wrote about the problems of being a husband and father when one’s calendar is loaded with trips and meetings, I jotted down some things that have been helpful tome in trying to move from the periphery toward the mainstream of your family’s ongoing life.
Years ago, when my writing and speaking career accelerated, I first started praying about trying to be a better father and husband.I made some disconcerting discoveries.In the first place I am controlled by habit to a larger extent than I realized.In certain ways I had put “other people” and “my ministry” (or business ventures) ahead of my family for so long that I did not know how to begin changing without going overboard in the other direction.
These are some of the mechanical changes I made to move back into the bloodstream of our family’s life: At the first of each year, I take my new appointment calendar and write on each family member’s birthday, “Commitment to Family.” Then I do the same thing with our wedding anniversary, and with my wife I try to plan a vacation time with the family and put it on the calendar. For a while I added a couple of random two-day “commitments” so that she and I could get away together. Later in the year, when some new project came up or someone called about a meeting that fell on one of the family’s days, I said without any hesitation, “I’m sorry, but I already have a commitment on that date.”
I remember the first time an invitation to participate in a big meeting came on one of the children’s birthdays. I was very interested in the meeting but said no. The man, who was a friend, must have sensed my hesitation, because he asked, “Why can’t you come? This is an important convention, and your witness might reach a lot of people.”
I was a little embarrassed to say that it was “my little girl’s birthday,” but I went on to tell him, “You can get half a dozen speakers in an hour, but I am the only daddy she’s got.”
He was quiet on the other end of the line for a few seconds, and I thought he had rejected me as a fool. Then he said quietly, “I wish I could do that.” And I knew I had started in the right direction.
Before that time, I had been away on three family birthdays in a row. Now, I hardly ever miss a birthday unless something comes up that seems to warrant a very special exception and we can all agree together to slide the celebration to another date.
Another thing that helped us while the children were small was to get a sitter so that my wife and I could go out of town for a day or two by ourselves once in a while. We generally went to a nearby city to avoid the expenditure of time, money, and energy required for a long trip. We checked into a hotel and relaxed. We might window-shop, read, see movies, eat quiet meals together, sleep late, and not contact people we know well.These mini-vacations without the children helped each of us know that we are being heard by the other and do something special for our relationship. This has not solved all our problems, of course, and I realize that many people cannot afford the money for this kind of “taking off.” But we have gone when we could not afford it, and somehow the sacrifice has said to us that our relationship is very important. But if traveling is out, a little creative thought may help a couple to come up with another way to find time alone away from the children.
As to specific ways one relates to a mate and children at home, that which is natural for one person will not be for another. But the thing good parents and good husbands and wives we know seem to have in common is the ability to make each member of the family feel important, and that both the woman and the man of the family are aware of each member’s needs and their accomplishments. The message I am trying to get across to my family is: “Although I am a busy person who will probably always be away from home some, each of you is very important tome. Among people, you arefirstin my life.”
There have been times when this was impossible to say, because I was mad, or anxious, or because I was off trying to participate in the building of a new kingdom for God (or for me). But I try to come back again and again and build time for my family into the fabric of my life. I do this because I love them. And I have to resort to mechanical means because it is so easy for me to avoid the responsibility of thinking of anyone but me.
I may not make as many speeches, attend as many meetings, or write as many books for Christ. But I hope I will at least have lived for Him more in my own home. There have been some horrible and excruciating failures, and Christ’s way of confession and making amends is the only hope sometimes.
For the trouble is that we are self-centered, and no effort of the self can remove the self from the centre of its own endeavour; the very effort will plant it there the more fixedly than ever. The man of science is drawn out of himself as regards one whole range of his activity by the concentration of his attention on the object of his study in his search for truth; the artist, by a similar concentration in his search for beauty; the good man, or public-spirited man, by a similar concentration in the service of his cause. But none of these cover the whole of life. Always there remains a self-centered area of life, and sometimes by a natural process of compensation those who are most selfless in the search for truth or beauty, or in public service, are most selfish, fretful and querulous at home.
William Temple, Nature, Man and God
Lord, You know how many days I cannot turn loose and be a good husband, how many times my mind is filled with visions of my work or myself. Yet I want to be Your person in our home. I love my family very much. But sometimes my behavior tells me I love what I am doing more. Help me to find a balance, so I can be free in my work and yet enjoy being the person my family needs. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life which he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
by Keith Miller | Christian Living, Weekly Devotional
My dad was raised in the church, but he drinks a lot now. Even though he keeps saying he’s going to quit, it never lasts more than a few days. When I told him that God can help him quit drinking (because God has helped me quit), he said, “I can’t surrender my life to God because I’m still drinking, and I can just imagine the pastor’s face if I showed up drunk after I joined. I’ll come to church when I get my drinking under control.” Can you help me know what to tell my dad?
One evening many years ago now, I was taking a young friend out to dinner. He had just graduated from the university and was going off to enter the Christian ministry the next day. John was one of those fine, clean young men who somehow get through college without scar or blemish from the world. I found him hard to believe, but he was evidently sincere. We had eaten in a cafeteria and were talking about his future when a good-looking young woman sauntered up to our table in a pair of very short shorts, sandals, and one of those brief bikini tops.She was followed by a tiny daughter in a similar outfit. I recognized the woman as a member of the adult Sunday school class I taught. The class was rather large, and I had seen her only as a member of an audience. A few times I had spoken to her briefly before or after class, but I had definitely noticed her.
Somehow in the cafeteria, however, she looked very “un-Sunday schooly.” I introduced her to my young friend as a member of the same Sunday school class, and asked if she and her daughter would like to join us. She did, and said at once, “There is something I’ve wanted to talk to you about for months.”
“What’s that?”
“Paul, I think he was a sex deviate.”
I noticed that John’s eyes were protruding slightly in horror, and I sort of wished I hadn’t asked.
“Paul who?” I asked, smiling weakly.
She laughed, “You know who I mean, Paul the Apostle.”
So we began to talk about Paul’s views concerning women and sex. After about forty minutes it was apparent that
Paul was not the problem she wanted to talk about, and I told her so.
Her whole attitude changed. She said almost wistfully, “I really believe you’ve found hope in your faith, and I would honestly like to make this beginning commitment of my life to Christ . . . but I can’t do it.”
“Why not?” I asked gently.
“Because I’ve got a personal problem that I can’t seem to resolve.” She was biting her lips and looking down at a paper napkin she had folded into a small bulky square.
“But that’s why Christianity is called‘good news,’“ I said, coming on strong. “We can’t solve our own basic hang-ups and separations, and God is offering through the Holy Spirit to furnish us the motivating power to cope with the seemingly impossible situations in life. That’s why I’m such a nut about Christianity. I can’t promise to change anything. All I can do is accept His love and grace.”
“But,” and she hesitated. “I don’t feel acceptable until I whip this problem.”
“Listen, Susan, the old song doesn’t say, Just as I amwhen I whip my major problem.’It says, “Just as I am withoutone plea,’one promise, one guarantee!”
She looked at me with the strangest dawning look of hope. “Do you really believe that?” she said.
“I’d bet my life on it.”
She looked down at her hands for several minutes. “All right,” she said, almost as a challenge.I’m committing adultery every Thursday night with a man who has a wife and several young children.And Icannot quit. Now can I come into your Christian family?”
I just looked at her. I certainly had not expected that. My first conditioned reaction as a Christian churchman would have been to think she was not ready for Christ or to say something like, “Don’t you think you could at least cut down a little?”
Suddenly I realized how phony we Christians are. Of course wewouldexpect her to quit committing adultery. We don’t mean “just as I am without one plea.” We actually mean, “Just as I am when Ipromiseimplicitly to straighten up and quit my major sins.” And this girl had nailed me with her honesty. She had heard therealintent of our church’s congregational invitation and knew she did not have the strength to meet its requirements—to quit her “sinning.” And yet it was her weakness which had brought her toward Christ in the first place.
I thought about Jesus and what He would have done. Then I looked up at her. “Of course, you can commit your life to Christ just as you are,” I smiled. “He knows you want to quit seeing this man, and I don’t know where else you can ever hope to find the security and strength to break up with him. So if you commit your life to Christ right now, then Thursday night, if you find you can’t help meeting your friend, take Christ with you in your conscious mind through the whole evening. Ask Him to give you the desire and the strength to break off the relationship.”
And she stepped across the stream and became a Christian.[1][1]
Sometimes at that moment [in despair] a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: “You are accepted.You are accepted,accepted by that which is greater than you . . .”
Paul Tillich, The Shaking of the Foundations
There are many religions which know no divine welcome to the sinner until he has ceased to be one. They would first make him righteous, and then bid him welcome to God. But God in Christ first welcomes him, and so makes him penitent and redeems him. The one demands newness of life; the other imparts it. The one demands human righteousness as the price of divine atonement; the other makes atonement in order to evoke righteousness.
J. S. Whale, Christian Doctrine
Thank you, Lord, that the guarantee of strength and integrity in this relationship is yours and not ours. Thank you that Susan saw this and wants to change because you have accepted her. Thank you that John was there and that he was able to accept Susan in her weakness. Help me to know that I canpromiseyou nothing except myintentionto be your person. I pray that you will give me the desire and then the strength to put aside any actions that separate me from you and your other children. But I am very grateful that your love does not depend on my success in doing so.
But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of deeds done by us in righteousness, but in virtue of his own mercy . . . Titus 3:4, 5
The scribes and Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery . . . he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” Jesus~ John 8:3, 7
by Keith Miller | Christian Living, Weekly Devotional
My husband is so picky about having everything in the “right” place (the place he thinks is right) that he is constantly picking at me. I was not raised to even pick up my clothes or towels that dropped on the floor. He wants every towel and wash rag hung up, and he also wants all the edges straight. And lately it seems like it’s getting worse. Nothing I do seems right. We’re both Christians trying to live for God, but when he gets on his critical master sergeant high horse I want to excuse myself (from God) and hit him with a golf club (at least in my imagination). Do other Christians have this much trouble dealing with little things?
I don’t know how many other Christians do, but years ago when I was first married, I remember one morning saying, “What’s so horrible about leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night?”I was furious and defensive. I knew that her reaction at breakfast was far too heavy for the nature of the complaint. That made me mad too . . . and frustrated. It seemed as if everything I did anymore bugged her—innocent mistakes like leaving the shower head at “on” over the bathtub or forgetting to close the closet door in our bedroom.
I work very hard, spend a lot of time with our family, and try to be generous as a provider. These petty complaints over a few mechanical omissions that were totally accidental, and from my perspective, seemed unreasonable.I was beginning to suspect that I had a nagging wife. But as I drove to work the realization came back that—as bad as it was—the incident the night before was not as big as her anger. (This almost always means that the present argument is not the real one.) So I began to try to find out the true cause of this rash of getting mad about “little things.” It seemed obvious that something I was doing or being was causing her to run up her red flag.
When the dust settled during the next couple of days, she was able to tell me, “Honey, what these careless things you keep goingreallysay to me is that you don’t care enough about me to make an effort to stop doing things that make me mad and frustrated.” She stopped and then went on, “I guess I keep waiting for you to remember, and when you don’t, I get madder.”
“I really do care . . . ,” I started, in defense of myself. But I stopped, because I know that wedowhat we unconsciously want to do in life. I may protest to high heaven that I honestly want to remember things and just cannot. However, I have learned that this is often a deceitful trick the mind plays ON ITSELF. Many psychologists have understood that we seldom forget something wereallywant to do unless we have a reason that is hidden . . . often from ourselves. A golfing enthusiast may forget to take his wife shopping, but he is not likely to forget a golf partner. A young man in love with his girlfriend is not apt to forget to pick her up for a date—even if he does forget to do his homework assignment and to mow the yard the same weekend. Although I am terribly forgetful about many things, I did not forget a single basketball practice or game during the twenty years I participated in that sport.
Remembering this made me realize that I was evidently not interested in helping my wife’s feelings of discomfort and frustration—at least not interested enough to remember certain little common courtesies. Why not, I wondered? I love her and want to be a good husband. And I feel certain that God would have meatleastcare for her needs and comfort with common courtesy.
Then I remembered. Several weeks before I had been feeling especially romantic. And she had been feeling especially tired. I had interpreted her tiredness as a purposeful rejection and was particularly furious when she claimed later that she had not gotten my signals. I remembered smoldering and thinking, “If she really loved me, she would always be sensitive to my needs!”
So that was my problem. The world was centered inmeagain. But being too proud and “too good a Christian” to set
out consciously to punish her for hurting my pride, I repressed the feelings. And I got back at her subtly and unconsciously by forgetting things that hurt her pride—things that made her feel the way I had felt: that she was not loved enough for me to think about her needs and comfort.
And do you know what? When I realized that the problem had started inmeweeks before and it was that most pervasive sin of self-centeredness, my average improved tremendously in remembering the shower head, the toilet seat, and the closet door.
For there is only one sin, and it is characteristic of the whole world. It is the self-will which prefers “my” way to God’s—which puts “me” in the centre where only God is in place.It pervades the universe. It accounts for the cruelty of the jungle, where each animal follows its own appetite, unheeding and unable to heed any general good. It becomes conscious and thereby tenfold more virulent in man—a veritable Fall indeed.
William Temple, Readings in St. John’s Gospel
Thank you, God, for showing me again that so many of my complaints about other people could be stopped if I would only see my sin. I am amazed at the way I can hide my true motives even from myself. But I am grateful for finding out another of the deceitful maneuvers my ego uses to protect the “fine man” image . . . when a consciousness of my true intentions would destroy it. Please help me see my self-centeredness sooner, and to give it up sooner. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But God searches the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” Jeremiah 17:9, 10 The Message
