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People’s Irritating Faults Can Give Clues to My Own

Dear Keith,

Recently I felt that God was urging me to write a letter to another Christian telling her that she was arrogant and unloving and was very vain about her physical appearance.  In what I considered to be obedience I wrote the letter.  My friend not only did not receive the letter well; she blasted me in return, telling me that my letter was more judgmental and arrogant than she had ever been.  And she proceeded to criticize me about several areas I’m very sensitive about in my own life.

I now realize that the letter was judgmental, but how can I know in advance whether something like this is God’s will?  I want to help the people around me to see the light and change.

Paul Tournier points out in one of his books, The Violence Within, that the main trouble with violent or aggressive acts (for which your letter would qualify) is that they trigger defensiveness and greater violent or aggressive acts.  If you had reacted to your friend’s reaction, you could have escalated your feelings until one of you resorted to physical violence or ran away from the relationship.

Confronting someone directly with his or her faults is a notoriously ineffective way to produce change in other people.  The only luck I’ve had in talking to people about the problems and failures involved in trying to live for God has been by talking about my own problems and failures and [...]

Being Transformed from the Inside Out

Keith, I’ve recently come back to church. Rather, a good way to put it is I’ve found a church that explains Christianity in a way that makes more sense than what I got out of church when I was young.  The service I’ve been going to is designed for people who are searching, as I was.  But now I feel like I’m ready to grow, and I’m wondering what “spiritual” maturity would be.  I’m very confused about this and would appreciate any help you can give me.

It’s great that you’ve found a place where some of your spiritual questions are being explored, and even answered.  As far as “spiritual” maturity goes, I’m not really sure what it is.  But there are some behaviors and attitudes that seem to me to indicate a person has begun to allow God to transform his or her life and become more mature.

For instance, as God’s transformative process begins to take place, many people seem to be able to see and take responsibility for their own sins and mistakes.  Once they identify them, they confess them to God and make whatever restitution is helpful (and not destructive) to those they have hurt or wronged.  Most of us blame other people, “explain ourselves,” and try to get out of admitting our own sins.

Also it seems to me that those who appear to be spiritually mature don’t seem to have to get credit for the good things they do for others.  They seem to find [...]

Loneliness: The Hunger that Drives Us Out of Hiding

For years I have been a basically lonely person, actually it seems like always.  When I became a Christian as a single adult some years ago, it helped, but I was still lonely.  I figured it was natural though since I wasn’t married.  But fifteen months ago I married a lovely Christian woman and we have been very happy.  The only trouble (and you’ll probably think I am crazy), lately I have realized that I’m still a basically lonely person.  What’s the matter with my faith? Or my marriage?

Thanks for sharing your lonely feelings.  That was an important step that helped me get beyond mine.  I don’t know that anything is necessarily the matter with your faith or your marriage.  There is a common notion among Christians that if you are a “committed Christian” and happily married you couldn’t really be a lonely person.  But I think this is a serious misunderstanding of our basic human condition.  I believe that all people are lonely at times unless they have repressed their feelings.  Some years ago I was surprised to read about one of my Christian heroes, the priest-scientist Pierre Teilhard, that although he was a real optimist (he attributed a sense of direction to the universe in spite of the existence of evil and in spite of appearances), he was evidently often lonely in his personal daily life and “far from being an optimist.  He bore with patience, it is true, trials that [...]