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Content with Who You Are

Keith, my problem is that my spouse says that I am selfish, but I buy her nice clothes and presents of jewelry, etc.  I even joined the church because she wanted me to.  And I know a lot of men don’t do things like that.  But in spite of everything I do, she is very frustrated because she still thinks I’m selfish and is getting very discouraged because I still can’t see that I’m selfish (and I’m angry because she thinks that.)  What does a man have to do to let a woman know he’s not selfish???! What does being selfish mean to you?

A lot of people (and couples) have wrestled with that one.  When I made a serious commitment to become a Christian, I—like you— had always done a lot of “nice things” for my wife (and other people, too), and I was floored when we started getting more open with each other that she felt that I was selfish—even though I was sincere in wanting to be God’s person.

As I read the Bible and talked honestly to the other Christian men in a small men’s group about this, I learned that there is evidently sort of a “secret control room” in the center of my mind that has one seat (a throne).  And whoever or whatever is sitting on that throne determines all my actions.  If I am sitting in the control seat, then without even knowing it, virtually all of my conscious actions are [...]

The Incompleteness of “Total Honesty”

Keith, why would anyone who is a Christian hesitate to be totally honest?  Isn’t it just a question of having the courage to risk rejection?  Can you think of reasons or situations where total honesty would not be the best policy?

One reason that total honesty is not as simple as it seems is the virtually universal experience of “denial”—that is, we cannot even see many of our own true motivations. Many Pharisees were considered to be leaders in having integrity, and yet Jesus told them you can pick out the tiniest speck of evil in your brother’s eye but you cannot see the log in your own.  So one reason to hesitate in saying your truth about another person is we can’t see our real motives in blasting someone with our truth.

The second reason is more complex and difficult to understand.  Here’s how I discovered that:  It was still very dark, but I was awake, having been disturbed by a bad dream.  I was weeping because the dream had recalled an experience in my adolescence which was so painful that I thought I would never be free from its haunting presence.  Several times over the years I had been bothered by this dream.  And it always made me cringe; wanting to undo something I had done as a teenager.

This experience and its painful reliving over the years had changed my whole life, especially my views concerning integrity, love, and honesty in close relationships.  And although [...]

Squelching a Word of Love—to Keep from Being Hurt

Keith, not long ago a good friend, someone I like and respect, complimented me on some design work I’d done.  I knew he meant it and at one level I was very pleased—especially since we work in the same field and he’s very good at what he does.  But I was also, sort of… embarrassed, and felt like he could spot the defects and might just be buttering me up.  So I laughed and shook my head and said, “I was lucky they even accepted it!  I tossed it off in about thirty minutes from an idea I had in junior college.”  Actually, that wasn’t true.  I worked for days on that design.  My friend looked at me as if I’d hurt his feelings, nodded his head and walked off.  Why would I do that?  Have you had a similar experience?

Good question.  This is how I recorded my experience years ago in Habitation of Dragons: Squelching a Word of Love, page 118.

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“That was a great job, Keith!”  The man who was speaking is a person whom I deeply respect and love.  I had just given a talk in our church, and he was enthusiastically and sincerely affirming me.

“Thanks, but I’m afraid I was too direct,” I replied.  “I was tired and felt a little hostile.”  He looked at me strangely, and I went into the educational wing to get ready for Sunday school.

While walking away, I realized what I had [...]